My Leads, Take 2

The leads I have previously written:

  • “Two tragic deaths after one wrong step”
    This lead would be a startling statement after it does not give away anything but catches the attention. In the second paragraph I would continue giving the reader the information about what happened: Two men and a woman were caught in an avalanche past Saturday after triggering an avalanche in the Rax Mountains…”.
  • “Hike ends fatal for two men this Saturday after an avalanche was triggered in Upper Austria after a heavy snow fall” This would be a basic lead, containing the information needed.
  • “It was a hazardous weekend with a heavy snowfall which lead to the deaths of two mountaineers who were enjoying a hike in the Rax Mountains in Upper Austria.”
    This would be a scene-setter lead

get

My leads rewritten:

  • “One wrong step has lead to two tragic deaths.”
    I added a verb to make it sound more like a lead rather than a heading.
  • “A planned adventure ends fatal for two hikers after triggering an avalanche in Upper Austria this Saturday.”
  • “It was a hazardous afternoon when two mountaineers were surprised by an avalanche which lead to their deaths this Saturday afternoon.”
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