Bad Lead –> Good Lead

Good-Vs.-Bad-006

  • Navajo (BBC)–It is the largest payment ever made by the government to a single tribe. 
    The litigation included claims that dated back more than 50 years, with the US accused of mismanaging resources on tribal lands. The Navajo Nation has now agreed to waive these lawsuits.

    Interestingly, going back to the BBC site to re-read the article, I have found they changed the lead to this :
    The US government has agreed to pay $554m (£339m) to the Native American Navajo tribe to settle a legal dispute.

    Which in my opinion sounds a lot better as it is short and makes the statement clear.


    My new leads:
    -The US government is paying $554 million to the Navajo tribe, resolving a longstanding dispute and strengthening partnerships with tribal nations.
    -To the US government, the Navajo land is worth $554 million.

    To me the new leads I have written are better than the first lead I read on the BBC site because they are shorter and grab the readers attention better than the longer text.



  • Mexico (Vice News)--A Mexican news reporter for the largest producer of media content in the Spanish-speaking world has been fired after a video emerged this week showing the journalist taking cash from one of Mexico’s most-wanted drug lords in exchange for tips on how to improve the capo’s image in the press. This particular story would be of my interest but the lead just didnt do it for me. It contains too much information, has too little catchy verbs and is not well written for my taste.

    My leads:
    -The capo was receiving tips from a Mexican news reporter on how to improve their image in the media.
    -A mexican news reporter was working as a PR person for one of Mexicos most-wanted drug lords.

    This is how I would have written the lead. Short and to the point. Mentioning the most important and most interesting details which would make readers want to continue reading. It makes the whole story sound more dramatic and less boring.

    There is even a 25min long video of evidence on youtube

    http://youtu.be/51yEvT5mMU0

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